CLUNGE VALLEY, VA – Certain that the right someone exists for him, local restaurant worker Robby Stiffman plans to spend this Valentine’s Day refreshing the Craigslist personals until the right sex offer shows up.
A generally unattractive and charmless man, Stiffman insists that the girl for him is probably right under his nose, probably right in a Craigslist personal ad.
“I know it’s a long shot, but I’m sure she’s out here right now, probably looking for a guy who just wants a good time, like me. You know, someone exactly like me. On Craigslist. And, within walking distance,” said Stiffman, whose meager salary prevents him from owning and maintaining a vehicle.
Stiffman said he’d grown tired of lonely self-serving nights looking at adult websites, and decided to shift his attention to “finding some real action.” Stiffman reports that this new quest has led him to two straight weeks of self-serving nights staring at text.
“No pic, no action,” said Stiffman, a self-professed man of standards, who says that the ads rarely include photographs, although he admitted what some of the ladies write is “still pretty hot.”
When Brandon — one of Stiffman’s friends and co-workers who frequently chides Stiffman to wash his hands — suggested that a night at a bar might be a better approach, Stiffman disagreed.
“I know I don’t have the money to court a real woman like you see in the ads. Even though I’m not looking for Miss Right, I’m looking for a Miss Right For Right Now, you know.”
“Who wants to meet a girl at a bar?” said the closet alcoholic. “If you set the bar too low, you’re just going to end up with no future.”