Online news magazine Trigger Alert chiefs announced Wednesday their intent to seek out Russian sponsors with the purpose of expanding the site’s unbiased reporting of the magnificent United States President Donald Trump.
During a July 5 presser attended by one digital recording device, Trigger Alert editor D.R. Everend briefed the public on the current state of Trigger Alert’s business affairs, as well as conceding that “we’ll certainly need some more funding if we plan to accurately, and without any real bias, cover the presidency of the magnificent Donald J. Trump, and how he presses courageously through each harrowing day as the genius behind the American machine while effortlessly hurdling attempts by the mainstream media to discredit his honor.”
Everend, who sipped Russian Standard vodka and was heard whispering “it comes from such a great country”, painted a dim picture of his magazine’s past, but a brighter portrait for it’s future.

“Currently, we have trouble finding the time to cover everything, with only one staff writer and no press credentials,” Everend explained, “but with the proper backing we could expand our staff and eventually get access to people like the beautiful and talented Kellyanne Conway, or to attend White House Press Briefings and social soir√©es attended by the brilliant Republican Congresspeople who are the backbone of our nation, or even be right in the presence of our glorious leader as we, naturally, continue our quest to offer only the most straightforward and accurate reporting possible.”
Everend suggested during the briefing that any Russian investor who wished to contact him do so directly through the Trigger Alert website.
“I’m not entrepreneurial enough to have a secondary email, so it’s easiest to reach me right on the site. I’d suggest that you head any emails with something like ‘RE: Chinese¬† investors’ or ‘RE: Saudi Investors’ so as to not raise any red flags with the NSA.”
Everend said he is not sure why he feels that Russian investors would be best, but could not deny that he made at least three known Russian gang symbols with his hands during the press briefing. While never directly asked, he also admitted to having masturbated to photographs of Katya Sambucca “on several occasions”.