A team of well-paid scientists working for Post Consumer Brands has released a study that states that they have found a direct link between Post Fruity Pebbles cereal and the eradication of several types of cancer cells.
According to the report, a treatment regiment that includes a daily breakfast of toast, juice, milk and delicious Post Fruity Pebbles, in conjunction with regularly scheduled visits to a clinic which provides chemotherapy or similar cancer-deterring treatments, was found to stop the growth of many types of cancer cells and in many cases to eradicate the cancerous cells, leading to remission and, in some cases, full recovery.
“If you’re looking to live a full and healthy life, and not be some loser with cancer, this definitely, uh, seems like the way to go,” said Howard Brinker, a spokesman who presented the study before a team of scientists before last week’s World Science Summit in Belgium.
American chemist Rocco Whetsel, who was met with uproarious applause a day earlier with his proposal to reduce long-term costs in aid to underdeveloped nations while eliminating asbestos abroad, presented the biggest challenge to Brinker’s claim, asking if other foods had been tested to provide credence to the claim that Post Fruity Pebbles was specifically responsible for the cancer findings.
Brinker took the question in stride, offering to “conduct similar experiments for other companies for a nominal fee after our work with Post has completed.”
“I feel like we were more in agreement after that,” Whetsel told Trigger Alert. “I mean, the study’s been done, the data is there and I have no reason to doubt the claims. And he offered to back it up. You wouldn’t do that if you were lying.”
“A near consensus of us here in the science community are ready to side with this report, pending funding,” Whetsel stated.