According to a recent poll, America’s feline community is experiencing a swell in racism and other feelings of general resentment.
The poll, released Tuesday, concluded that 100% of cats who identify as having conservative beliefs also harbor feelings of deep hatred towards minority communities, and could reasonably be classified as traditionally racist or, in some cases, neo-fascist.
The same poll, however, found that many of their human counterparts were oblivious to the bitterness, and that the owners have come to hate what their furry friends are feeling, leaving many to ponder: how exactly does one determine whether or not his pet is harboring deep-seated ideological hate?
The Clunge Valley Times-Courier enlisted the assistance of Opal Ford, a noted local cat psychologist who recently published Feline Sociology: What Cats Do When Their Humans Are Absent — which has a chapter on feline racism — to help our readers better determine whether or not their cat is secretly hoping for “Gray Tabby Only” public drinking fountains.
Here is a list of five warning signs Ms. Ford suggested you could look for:
Is your cat’s fur usually white or orange?
White and orange are the preferred colors for cats to wear to communicate with other cats that they are opposed to immigration, race-mixing or integration.
Some cats are also known to wear speed-lace military boots or red suspenders or to even shave the tops of their heads to communicate that they desire to seek out other racist cats in order to perform hate crimes.
Does your cat enjoy eating food from cans?
Your little bundle may be experiencing the delusion that he is enlisted with the Third Reich or a similar military regiment, eating from a knapsack and preparing to invade Poland.
Does your cat occasionally go on rants about the extermination of the Jewish people, or rationalize the benefits of Adolf Hitler’s tenure of power?
He may just seem well read, but this is sometimes an indication of your cat developing an growing unease with Semitic people.
Does your cat occasionally bury brown things in dirt, sand, or litter?
The Ku Klux Klan reports that pet membership is on the rise. Your cat may be pretending he is in a heavily wooded area recreating a ritual Klan burial.
In fact, our study found that many cats are known to sleep all day and then rise and become active in the evening and nighttime hours, which is traditionally the schedule upon which the Klan burns crosses on the lawns of those to whom they are ideologically or biologically opposed.
Did you register your cat to vote as a Democrat, but he or she still voted for Donald Trump?
Well, well, well. I don’t think we even need to explain.