After decades of speculation as to his role in the 1963 spectacle, the Federal Bureau of Investigations finally came clean on Tuesday, admitting that Lee Harvey Oswald played no role in the shooting of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.
The report, issued on the 53rd anniversary of Oswald’s arrest in connection with the shooting of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963, states that “unequivocally, Lee Harvey Oswald had no connection to films, Hitchcock, or Hollywood in general. (Oswald) was not even a fan of theater, and was an especially avid bird hater.”
The news is will inevitably send shockwaves through the rock-bottom end of the conspiracy circuit, which has long made ties between several 1963 films, including the legendary Hitchcock film, and the 1963 shooting of the 35th president of the United States. Based upon details released in numerous books and documentaries, many who support Oswald’s innocence believed that the scratch seen on Oswald’s head in post-arrest photograph’s was caused by a crow or other large bird.
According to Tom Barnhardt, who wrote the definitive tome Oswald Was Definitely An Aspiring Actor (And Here’s Why You’re a Moron For Believing Otherwise), “It is just so unlikely that any force was required the gentle fellow, there’s just no other logical conclusion that one could draw aside from the a Bird Peck Theory. This considered, the new information is tough to swallow, and could yet be just more of the FBI’s filthy lies.”
According to the documents released today, the FBI “knew beyond a shadow of a doubt” that rumors that Oswald had been a gaffer and background scene player on the Hitchcock production surfaced were “baseless and utterly moronic”.

The information about Oswald’s lack of interest in a film career was available at the time of the Warren Commission, but was hastily omitted along with roughly 1200 other pages of information that may or may not have been pertinent information about the assassination.
The Bureau recognizes that after numerous requests, we should have already made this information available. That we have not is not excusable. However, withholding this detail for 53 years is a reflection of the persistent sense of humor upon which the Bureau prides itself.

The FBI report confirmed that the Bureau still believes Oswald to be President Kennedy’s assassin, although the report continued to say that “the verdict is still out on J.D. Tippet, Antonin Scalia, and that chick from Diff’rent Strokes“.
“We hope this closes this extremely moronic chapter of public discourse on the assassination,” the report concluded.