Recognizing that they were disadvantaged by the lack of fires in their orderly protesting zone, Portland demonstrator Tyler McGlumb quickly found a way to help his fellow peaceful demonstrators keep warm as protests ran late into the cool Oregon evenings.
“I had to think quick,” Tyler revealed. “I had to figure out a way to bring fire to my brothers and sisters without creating a lot of chaos or destruction.”
Tyler’s calling came to fruition when he discovered the Fireplace app for his iPhone.
“It’s great,” Tyler said, pointing to the image of a crackling fire on his iPhone screen. “That’s fire, right there. For 99 cents, I’m able to help all of these people out.”
Tyler, a science major with a focus in kinetic energy at Reed College, admits he was a little discouraged by the heat levels of the fire at first, but as more demonstrators gathered in to stare at the screen, it slowly began to warm the crowd.
“It’s a miracle, dare an atheist say a godsend?” Tyler boasted. “My battery is pretty low, but if I was able to use my iPhone to provide fire and warmth for all of these people even for just a couple of hours, that’s the best buck I ever spent.”
“And I’m not damaging the environment like those other cretins,” said Tyler, who carries numerous plastic devices with him at all times.
“It’s great, I mean, it’s a little warmer up here, next to the phone app,” reported demonstrator Sarah Hinkle, a 22-year old aspiring actress who had ridden a bus in from Iowa. However, she lamented her discomfort at being extremely close in groups of strangers larger than four.
“I’m getting a little sick of the gentleman poking me in the back of the leg with whatever. I’m just like, ‘yuck man, you’ll get your turn next to the phone whenever I am done.'”
Spying a growing crowd around a raging trash fire almost two blocks away, Tyler closed his eyes and shook his head. “Sometimes, I wonder how the primitives will ever make it in a modern world.”


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