CLUNGE VALLEY, Virginia — Concerned with the animal’s nutritional health, Ricky Moffett — a man with a medical history that reads like the Kama Sutra of Bad Decision Making — is planning to check a local raccoon for cavities.
Moffett, who wears a corrective shoe since a disfiguring coal-walking incident in 2004, became concerned for the animal when he noticed that the raccoon was reticent to handle certain types of cans and other metals while foraging through Moffett’s garbage.
“I bet he’s got the toothache,” said Moffett, who once attempted to save a family of skunks from a culvert pipe. “I know I hate chewing on metal when I’ve got one, too. And a man and a raccoon, they’ve both got to eat.”
“Next time he comes up here to get up in my trashcan, I’m just going to snatch him up and take a look see if that little joker has any cavities. If’n he’s got the toothache, I’ll just get my pliers out and help the little feller out.”
Extractions are an easy procedure, Moffett explains.
“Done it for a adolescent bear maybe four years back. He got a little chunk of me, but I think we’re all square now.”
Moffett’s neighbors, who often refer to Moffett as That Idiot Who Messed With All Four Littleton Brothers At Once, confess they sometimes become concerned when they hear about Ricky’s shenanigans, but don’t have the heart to interfere in his life and ruin a source of regular entertainment around town.
“Ain’t much to do around here but chew dip and wait for Ricky to monkey something up,” said Clem Carter, who lives two houses away from Moffett.
“Remember when he cauterized his own anus doing that 4th of July fart lighting display?” cashier Catherine Gilman offered during chatter at the local Pic n’ Save. “Oh, lord, it was terrible, I felt just terrible for him. But it really was one heck of a show.”
At press time, Moffett, who recently suffered a concussion while doing handstands at a public urinal, was impatiently watching a can of sardines cook in the microwave.