America’s chronic masturbators breathed a collective moan of relief when pop singer Miley Cyrus announced today that she had decided to accept the presidency of Donald Trump and not move out of the US, as she had previously threatened.
Virginia masturbator Noel Gray looked on in horror at Tuesday’s election results.
“I went numb. All I could think was, what if Miley moves out of the country?”
“I mean, I know it’s a longshot, but sometimes I like to pretend she would actually say hello to me if we ever met in a public place.”
“That thought,” Gray continued, “is usually enough for me to blow a hole clean through my imagination.”
Gray and thousands of self-gratifiers found the threat a heavy burden. Gray reports he and some of his online friends had taken on a fringe interest in the election since the announcement, fearing the loss of Cyrus from the American landscape.
“I just kept thinking, what if Miley moves? If Miley left, that means that anytime I pried myself away from RedTube, Mr. Skin, or TMZ to go out with friends or family, I’d already have all the answers. Miley won’t be at the movies. Miley won’t be at the pizzeria. The chance that I could randomly meet Miley and get rejected in person would be virtually zero.”
“For me, and people like me, that’s not a life we want to live,” Gray confessed.
All those fears were finally laid to rest today when Cyrus surfaced on Twitter and posted a video where she tearfully said that, while she still feels that Hillary Clinton deserves the honor of being America’s first female president, she would accept Trump’s victory.
Gray said he found the video the same way he finds all of Miley’s social posts.
“My phone started buzzing in my back pocket like crazy, like it does whenever Miley posts on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. It was the Miley buzz, I just knew it.”
“I’m not sure about, you know, the country and stuff, but hearing that Miley was staying was such good news, it really helped bring some of us together. I was so happy that I watched the video three times.”
“It was a really tough video to get through, kind of sad, you know. But I was able to get myself off to it anyway,” Gray admitted.