Early exit polls on Election Day 2016 indicate a landslide favoring American voters being stupid, stupid people.
A composite of early voting numbers coupled with results from early exit polls show that upwards of 80% of all American voters will have cast their vote for candidates who have been implicated in child sex scandals.
Republican candidate Donald J. Trump faces a December court hearing concerning allegations of raping a teenage girl.
Documents made available through numerous leak sources have implicated Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton in a child sex trafficking operation.
These allegations left American voters undaunted, with many arguing that it would be a “waste” to vote for any candidate who has not been implicated in a child sex scandal in 2016.
“Are you kidding me?” stated Frieda Lay, a Clinton supporter from Nekoosa, Wisconsin. “All these allegations against the former Secretary of State proves is that Trump is a liar: Hillary has, in fact, created jobs. Not to mention that she created those jobs for Hispanic youth, a section of the population which has particularly suffered in our country and abroad.”
Trump supporter Ron Crystal of Romney, West Virginia had mixed feelings about the charges against Trump.
“There’s not enough information available, the media has really not talked much about it,” Crystal said. “I mean, did he rub his hands slowly but firmly against her budding breasts and breathe warmly next to her ear, or kiss the nape of her neck, right in the back where it smells like honey? Or was he crude and just, like, slapping her about the buttcheeks and rubbing his balls on her face and stuff?”
“Knowing which way it went, that might have made me change my vote. These are the kind of details America needs when making decisions, and the media really cheated us on this one,” Crystal concluded.
The exit poll findings indicate that Americans will continue the decades-old American tradition of electing a criminal to lead the Free World.