In a turn of events not seen since the election of 2012, the Independent Council on Felching and Posterior Consumption has failed to present an ethics report on the US presidential candidates before Congress.
The ICFPC, which generally reports directly to the Senate Subcommittee on Carnal Affairs, has been submitting an ethics report in every presidential election for the past 7 years, missing only the 2012 election. The purpose of the report is to help determine which candidate is more willing to bridge the gap and go the extra two inches to get things accomplished.
The Council been accused by insiders from either side of failing to present their report in a timely fashion, which both sides argue is a move designed to favor the opposition candidate.
In absence of the report, both sides clambered for position, arguing that their candidate was willing to go a step further than their opponent to get things done.
“Everyone knows what Pay for Play means” suggested an anonymous Clinton staffer. “I couldn’t begin to tell you how far the Secretary and her husband  will go for a free meal at Long John Silver’s,” while pointing out former president Bill Clinton’s love for the Baja Fish Taco.
Clinton surrogate Anthony Gray stated that Hillary mostly goes to Long John’s for the Chocolate Cream Pie dessert, a meal he argues “Trump would never stoop to eating.”
A recent exchange on CNN saw mouthpieces for either side cleverly alluding to the missing report, with Trump surrogate Jeffrey Lord insisting that, “Just when you think he’s done, Trump keeps popping up behind you like a Jack in the Box”, and touting Trump’s equal opportunity record while his liberal counterpart Van Jones responded by pulling his pants down and pointing at his own anus, insisting, “It was right there, and then, poof! it was gone!” alluding to a well-known incident at a Clinton fundraising dinner he attended in June.
FOX News host Sean Hannity suggested during one recent show that he has off-the-air tapes of himself and Mr. Trump discussing “sucking one out of some broad from Peru” in meticulous detail, a clear play for the Hispanic vote that has eluded the Republican nominee in the polls.
In a written statement, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway insisted that “Mr. Trump is certainly no stranger to felching, snowballing, rawdogging, or even an occasional California Mudslide. Have seen his beautiful family?” Critics immediately suggested that the play for California votes was unwarranted, as that state is assumed safely in the Clinton column.